Badgero

Now here's where you can put all those wanted and unwanted jokes good or otherwise (personal taste)

So you don't just delete them straight away and upset a friend or work colleague.

Put them here - if they are not too rude or crude.

Be careful the moderator will be watching!!


After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the "gripe sheets" before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.




P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.




P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.




P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



P: Noise from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.



These are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

·Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"



·"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



· From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



·O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."



· A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."



· A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



·Taxying down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. It took us a while to find a new pilot."



·A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."



·Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."



·One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



·The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206, Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."



·While taxying at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"





Out of Office replies you may wish to use

:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 18 August. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Peter'.

Badgero

and more - ugh

Badgero

I'm never leaving the house again after reading this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.


In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)



An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.



In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Badgero

That didn't work it will have to stay as an attachment and then you can open it.

Leto

Strange fact, Air France pilots were for long the only ones required to keep their french accent during flight. It said that when they try to lose it, no ground control in the world can understand them (except in France). Don't know if it's still true.

__________________

Badgero

I like to that's true!

At the National Art Gallery in New York, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in the predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Princess Ivy

some of those are to icky!

__________________
Princess Leia: I don't know who you are or where you've come from, but from now on you'll do as I say, okay?

Badgero

Sorry Princess I'll just post the cleaner ones!

A bloke is in a queue at the super market when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
'sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you
might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful,
Christ ! He says "you are that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on
the snooker
table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me with some wet
celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse ?

No she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher

Badgero

a bit icky this one ........................

An ugly bloke walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the bloke, "You know I live by the railway,
well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,
like in the movies.

"Well, I went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

"Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored with her, big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes
her on top!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman, "you lucky sod! Was she pretty?"


"I dunno, I never found her head."

Badgero

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'



"OH DEAR GOD NO!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"


His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks..........























"How many is a Brazillion??!"