Badgero

> An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
>
> His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
> feeling worn out and depressed.
>
> As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
> about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
>
> Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
>
> While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
>
> Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
>
> As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
> husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
>
> 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

Badgero

EVER WONDER where we are headed...


... why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

... why you don't ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

... why 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

... why doctors call what they do 'practice'?

... why you have to click on 'Start' to stop Windows 98?

... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

... why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

... why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?

... who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?

... why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

... why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

... why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

... why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

... if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

... why they call the airport 'the terminal' if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's 'just' a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): 'Do not turn upside down.' (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'

On a Swedish chainsaw: 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'

(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Phyllis Sidheuaine

One I got from my maternal uncle (blame him):

Abstinence

A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couple. You must abstain from sex for a whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off of carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over half an hour, and when we were done we were both drenched with sweat," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, " You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."
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Phyllis Sidheuaine

Phyllis Sidheuaine

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think." - Dorothy Parker

Phyllis Sidheuaine